After the first war my demons left me alone for five years. Life was good; calm and peaceful, well for the most part.
Bullies have always been a part of my life. Like my demons three, my bullies attacked me mentally as well as physically. They beat me but never defeated me. I couldn’t tell anyone because every time I did I was dismissed.
I had to learn to defend myself and defend myself I did. My bullies seemed to serve as my battle trainees, testing me on a daily basis. They helped to harden my skin, sharpen my sword, and build my armor.
In 1989 my second war began. Unlike my first war, which only lasted four months, this war would last three years. My demons three had to make up for the long silence. The taught me a few hard lessons that I learned, and learned well. They forced me to grow up quickly.
I had been shielded from a lot of things but the first thing I learned was that there was another demon out there that would assist my demons three, but one that I will never be able to defeat. He has come near me twice before but we were never introduced. His name is Death.
Death seems to be the shot across the bow that would awaken my demons three. This second war was to bring new battles, battles I could not win. Nothing my bullies ever did could have prepared me for what was to come.
Our house had been blessed with two new babies. One full time while the other stayed ninety percent of the time. I was the watcher and protector over the one partly named after myself.
One day I was running home from bullies chasing me. They stopped before they normally gave up and I was proud of myself. As I came around the corner I seen my little brother and nephew playing catch with a football. When they saw me my little brother ran up to me and said, “You better stop smiling, baby Angel died.”
I couldn’t believe it. I ran to the house and my mother was standing in the doorway crying. All the adults in the house were crying. In my ear I heard a deep dark voice whisper in my ear, “Miss me?”
“No,” I shouted.
Everyone thought I yelled because of the news, and partly I was, but because my demons three had returned and they took the life of someone I loved to get to me. To this day I have never forgiven myself for her death.
For the next seven days I went into a destructive tailspin. I was cold, I was angry, I wanted to die and be buried with her. Since I couldn’t I placed a teddy bear I had that she loved to gum on inside her casket.
I thought about suicide the day of the funeral. There was so many people around, everyone off in their own little world. I could have disappeared and no one would have known it for days. I did the only thing I knew I could do, I bottled everything up inside.
I was the good one. I was the one with no problems. I was the one who took care of the little ones, even though I was little myself. I did what was expected of me, always.
When I got back to school my first victory was awaiting me. While I’ve been in fights before they were never fair and always one sided. My armor had always repelled their insults and calls of fat, ugly, and stupid had not truly phased me. On this day I left my armor at home.
One bully had missed his target. For seven days he wasn’t able to insult me and put me down to make himself feel better. During the morning classes I had to talk to the school counselor to make sure I was okay to return to class. Being a guidance counselor she was in way over her head.
I went to lunch, where I sat by myself, reading a book, as normal, but didn’t eat anything. After lunch I went to gym, and so did my bully.
He purposely skipped his class and went to my gym class to pick a fight. That was his fatal mistake.
Words were exchanged. I gave him a warning that today was not the day to mess with me. I told him to back off three times. However, my demons three were there whispering in both our ears.
Everything I was telling my bully I was telling them as well. Everyone has a breaking point, a point where they finally say, ‘Fuck it,” and truly mean it. Where they break beyond all repair. I had finally reached mine.
Again, I always did what I was supposed to, what was expected of me, the right thing, remember I was the good one. We were all sitting on the gym floor in single file rows. I stood up to go tell the coach this kid wasn’t even supposed to be in this class. He stood up too, blocking me.
Everything that happened next happened within twenty seconds but for me it felt like hours. To this day I am sorry for what I had done and yet I’m not. This boy had tormented me almost every day all school year. I did what I was supposed to, I told, and that just make matters worse because no one ever did anything about it. Not one teacher, not one counselor, not one administrator, NO ONE!
I blame them all for what happened next.
I was standing on the edge of sanity and my demon, the voice, pushed me over and into the deep dark abyss in my soul. Here I found a home.
As tears rolled down my face I lunged at the boy. The look of horror on his face as we both fell to the floor burned forever in my brain, it was the last time he would look normal to anyone.
On the ground I sat on his chest, pinning his arms down with my knees, as had been done to me so many times before. My entire weight on his chest, keeping him from being able to breathe.
My fist began to fly into his face. Before this moment the only thing my fist had ever hit were boards in our yard. This was my first taste of blood and I liked it.
I wasn’t pounding his face, I was pounding the floor under his head. I broke his cheek bone and popped his left eye slightly out of its socket. Nothing around me existed and I had no idea that it took the two males coaches and a female coach to pull me off.
I tried to get back to him. He needed to suffer for everything I have suffered. I remember climbing to the top of the bleachers and not allowing anyone to get near me. I remember sitting in the office as many adults came in and out, looking at me in my gym clothes and looking at me in disbelief.
What was said to me or about me I do not remember. I kept blacking out, where I was in my dark abyss, wrapping myself in a blanket of darkness. I had no idea what was going on.
Finally I was allowed to change. Nothing was going to happen to me. I was dismissed and sent home. For the next two weeks everyone kept their distance from me.
To be continued…