There was a pounding in my head. Like a sledge hammer against a metal door, trying to break it down. Unlike a normal headache, this pounding was coming from the outside in. Someone or some, thing, was trying to get inside my mind.
I woke up, holding my head in my hands, as if trying to brace myself from the impact. My stomach began to rumble, yelling at me over the meal I had before going to bed. I took a deep breathe, letting it out slowly. I took another then another, I did not want to get sick.
The fog surrounding my head was beginning to burn away and I lifted my head. That’s when I saw them, two gray aliens with a mysterious look on their faces.
I tried to scream out but one of the aliens threw up his hand and my screams became muffled. The other alien grabbed both of my ankles and flipped me over, off of the bed. My feet hit the floor as the alien let go of me and grabbed the rest of the blanket, throwing it over me, wrapping me up in it.
I started thrashing about, trying to kick my way out of the blanket. The aliens began to drag me out of the room. I started kicking even harder, hitting one of the aliens, causing him to let go of the blanket. Using the distraction I was able to free myself from the blanket.
I started crawling away but the aliens reached back and grabbed me again, dragging me out of the house. I struggled more and more but there was nothing I could do. Since my voice was still muffled my stomach began to scream in protest.
The aliens looked back at me as my stomach growled at them. A worried look passed between them before looking up in the sky. They were ready for pick up and time was of the essence.
They continued to drag me further out into my front yard so that I was clear of the large pine tree. My stomach continued to yell at them and their fear was growing more intense with each gurgle.
One alien looked back at me and images began to flash in my head. Images of a dark room filled my brain. The room contain a single metal table. I could see myself laid out on this cold table, fear in my eyes, my ass lifted up in the air slightly. Two aliens stood behind me. One was checking my restraints as the other lifted a shiny metal cylinder. There was no mistaking what was about to happen.
“OH HELL NO,” I shouted.
This surprised me as well as the aliens. In their shock they dropped my feet. This time I rolled to my left, up onto my feet, facing the aliens, ready to tackle whichever came near me first.
A bright light lit up my yard, freezing me in place. I could no longer move but that didn’t stop my stomach from continuing the fight. I used the only weapon I could wield. My ass cheeks flapped in the wind I had just created, the foul smell hitting all three of us.
Instantly the light turned off and the aliens looked at me, anger clearly visible on their expressionless faces. The one alien who had shown me the images of the probe sent a new image in my brain. They would now be stuck on Terra because I had just wasted their fuel.
“Is that all,” I said, laughing. “Wait here.”
I walked back into the house and went to my kitchen cabinet. I grabbed two glass mason jars with the lids and came back outside. I handed them both a jar before turning around. They looked at me puzzled and could not see that I was about to pull my own finger.
I released the second bomb of the night. They quickly opened the jars and captured as much of the fumes as they could. The light filled my front yard once again, blinding me, then turning off just as quickly. When I could see again, both aliens were gone.
Turns out that aliens abduct people and anal probe them because they really are harvesting farts. They act as fuel for their spaceship.