The Lie I Tell Myself

The lie I tell myself
"I am not insane."
A dark laughter soon follows
As my demons pull me close.

They hold me tight
There is no escape,
As they whisper in my ear
"You belong to us."

"No," I scream
But I can not fight them.
My world grows dark
Frost is in the air.

"Finally,
You are one of us.
A devil, a demon,"
Choas is all that remains.

A dark laughter fills the air
The voice is my own.
The lie, I tell myself,
"I am not insane."
- Max M. Power

My Demons

My demons may try to kill me but they know me better than anyone and will never leave me. - Max M. Power

* Rarely will I use someone else's pictures without permission but whomever wrote this described it perfectly.  I hope they don't mind I shared it with the world.

What Are You?

“What are you?”

Every time I hear that question asked of me my first instinct is to answer in my deepest grunt filled voice, “I’m Batman,” but that’s the dork in me.  My actual answer is, “I’m Supernatural.”

Yes, I know, that’s a loaded answer.  First and foremost I’m a Psy.  For those who know the full title I’m not going to use the last part because people tend to focus on the negative.

In addition to being a Psy I’m also an Empath. I’m an Alpha and an old soul.  I’m a cosmic Ronin.

Alpha – When most think of an Alpha they think of a strong muscular person who is tough and takes charge of everything.  They are intimidating and while being intimidating can get you what you want, that doesn’t make you an Alpha.

I was once told that I could be in a room of one hundred people and not say a word to anyone and people will want to attack me because I made them feel inferior.  My aura will prove to be the stronger tougher aura.

So while I may physically look like the Pillsbury Doughboy I’m actually an Alpha.  I’m very protective and let a lot of things go but when push comes to shove I stand my ground.

Empath – I am more in tune with emotions coming from others.  My abilities even go as far as to be able to read strong emotions behind the written word as well as a photograph.

When these powers came to light they hit me like a ton of bricks.  Feeling all these emotions I’ve never felt before.  But now, they keep me on my toes.

Before I walk into a place I can feel positive or negative energy.  I know what I will be walking into before I walk in.  However, it’s a bitch when I watch an emotional movie or TV.

Old Soul – I have lived many lives.  Some lives were brief while others were long and strong.  Some memories are brief but I do remember them as they are powerful.  I roam through time living and dying over and over again.

Cosmic Ronin – Of all the lives I have lived a few were in the land of rising sun, Japan.  Life after life I was a Samurai.  Life after life I became a Ronin until I just accepted that title for the rest of eternity.

A Ronin is a warrior without a Master.  They are shunned and live in solitude.  While I may protect others I have no master of my own.

Psy – This is the big one that ties everything else together.  These powers I have had all my life but I never knew what they were until I was nineteen and taking college classes.  “There’s nothing more dangerous than a Psy who doesn’t know they are a Psy.”

This is also the hardest for people to accept.  Basically I can manipulate energy.  I can take negative energy from someone and replace it with positive.  I can also take positive energy from someone and keep it for myself.

A lot of times I exchange negative for positive without permission just so that I can breathe.  That negative energy is thick in the air and I need it to go away.  In small dosages I can extinguish it without a second thought.  Larger doses, however, will drain me and this is usually when I get sick.

There have been very few times where I have stolen positive energy without permission.  I naturally produce a lot of positive energy myself and when I get really sick, my body believing I am close to death, I need an influx of positive energy to fight off death.  This, like I said before, is rare.

There is a lot more to these answers but in keeping it simple these are my answers.  If you wish to know specific answers ask your questions in the comments and I will answer as best I can.  I would advise you to look into these subjects and learn more.

So what’s my real answer to the original question?  “I’m Superman!”

My First Kiss

Growing up I was not very educated in things going on in the world.  If it was not on my morning cartoons chances are I did not know about it.

While kids were learning adult content in elementary school I just nodded my head and played along, pretending I knew what they knew about sex.  I did not want to be laughed at for not knowing what the other kids were talking about.

Plain and simple, I was naive.

Most of my peers already had their first kiss before getting out of the fifth grade.  Jr. High provided more proof of this fact when everywhere you looked the “cool” kids were making out.

Cheerleaders were girlfriends to the football players.  Clicks were everywhere and faces were stuck together.  As for me, I had to watch from afar.  While I longed for the contact the other kids had I was reminded of two reasons why I could not.

First off, I was a geek.  Other geeks did have girlfriends but I seemed to be different.  I was always considered “a good friend” and nothing more.

Second, it was forbidden for me to have a girlfriend at my age.  Unlike most teenagers, I was not the rebel without a cause.  Even if I did have a cause it would not have mattered, I was a Jehovah’s Witness.  Like I said, it was forbidden in our religion.

For this later reason I was often teased.  I was different.  I was an easy target.  Needless to say, Jr. High was a very lonely time for me.

When I became a freshman in High School things changed.  I was at a new school, new students, and unlike the kids I had been in classes with since the second grade, these new students knew nothing about me.

Still I had to pretend I knew what was going on.  Clicks were everywhere and I did not fit into any of them.  I did what I have always done, being the geek I was, I worked in the library.

I had been working in the library during my lunch since the sixth grade.  I was at home.

I filed books.  I cleaned up.  I read the comics in the newspaper.  I finished my homework.  I tutored other students.  One of these students would educate me more than I would educate her.  Her name was Vanessa Ortiez.

Vanessa was a goddess.  Beautiful flowing long black hair.  Cute perfectly placed dimples.  Long luscious legs.  Firm round behind.  Great hips.  Forty-six DD breast.  Soft smooth tan skin.  One hundred sixty pounds and a smile that would make your heart melt.  Like I said, a goddess.

Vanessa was failing English and History, two of my best subjects.  When she walked up to me on that bright Friday afternoon I was stunned.  She was asking for my help.

Unlike other girls, Vanessa asked for my help directly, not flirting with me to say yes.  How could I refuse?

Everyday Vanessa would come into the library and I would tutor her in the back study rooms.  We could eat in these rooms so sometimes she would bring lunch for us to share.  I would imagine I was on a picnic instead of in a small room filled with books.

I wanted to be with Vanessa, and not just as her tutor.  I was no longer naive, just inexperienced.  However, I did know enough to know Vanessa was way out of my league.  She was a goddess and I was an insect.

Vanessa was always serious when we studied so I had to be too.  In all honesty I could not concentrate when I was around her.  My brain turned to mush.

On occasion my mush brain would show and Vanessa always found this funny.  “It’s very cute,” she would say.

This went on all semester.  Vanessa’s failing grades were rising.  She went from F’s to A’s.  When Vanessa received her final report card of the semester she was surprised to see straight A’s.

Never in her life had Vanessa received straight A’s.  The fruit of her labor was clear and she was excited.  This excitement prompted a reward for me, although Vanessa did not know it.

The next time Vanessa saw me I was busy putting books back in their place on the shelves.  I never saw her coming.  Vanessa’s arms wrapped around me as she hugged me tight.

Vanessa’s firm breasts were pressing against me tightly, my reward.  When Vanessa let go I turned around.  Vanessa hugged me again.  The sweet smell of her perfume and shampoo filled my nose, drifting me away to paradise.  Vanessa always smelled good.

“Thank you,” Vanessa said, kissing my cheek then letting go.  She held out her report card and I seen why she was excited.

The next day I heard it through the grapevine that Vanessa was moving away with her father.  I was crushed.  I was in love.

I had to tell Vanessa how I felt.  I wrote her a note to meet me in the Northwest stairwell at lunch.  This stairwell was rarely used and I knew I would have privacy.

Vanessa met me, sensing the urgency in my tone.  Before she could say a word I sprang up from where I was sitting and blurted out, “I love you.”

“What,” came the shock response.  It was hard to tell if her face showed surprise or disgust.  I had to continue.

“I’m in love with you.  I’m seriously in love with you.”

Silence filled the air.  The stairwell was dark, however, I could see my words were sinking in.  I walked around the stairs to hide in the total darkness of the corner.  I professed my love and my answer was silence.

Vanessa followed me to the corner.  I was not going to escape so easily.  “Your timing sucks,” Vanessa answered before grabbing my shirt and pulling me to her.

Vanessa’s soft sweet lips pressed against mine.  My first kiss.

With each passing moment we continued to kiss.  Slowly her deep red lipstick was coming off.  My mind was racing a mile a minute.

Do I close my eyes or keep them open?  Whoa, her tongue just went into my mouth!  What do I do, what do I doooo?  Do I push it out with my own tongue?  Do I stick my tongue in her mouth now?  Where do my hands go?  Am I doing this right or am I screwing up?

Vanessa was reading my mind.  She broke away and smiled at me.  I knew what that smile meant, she thought my inexperience was cute.

“Just relax and do what I do,” Vanessa whispered in my ear.  She began to nibble my ear as she wrapped my arms around her waist, sliding my hands to her hips.

She wrapped her arms around my neck and pecked my lips.

We kissed again.  This time I let my mind go blank.  My body knew what to do as I closed my eyes and pulled Vanessa to me tight.  For the next hour she was mine and I was not going to let her go.

Off With Your Head

"I love you,
Is that not what you said?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"Why did you go,
Leaving me in dread?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"Why does your memory torments me
As I lay in my bed?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"You continue to come to me,
Lightly you will not let me tread."
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"My mind is broken,
Why my delusions have you fed?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"When will you release me,
Let me be dead?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
Off with your head."

"When will this end,
Off with my head?"
You smile, "It's quite simple my dear,
When you are dead."

Drowning

I feel like I’m drowning.  I can not breathe.  I’m not really hungry.  I have no real energy and I can not even steal energy from anyone.  I feel dark and cold inside.  I feel alone.

Try as I might I can not shake how I feel.  I hate myself, not for how I feel but how it makes those around me feel.  That hatred turns into anger and it’s directed at myself.

I feel like no one knows how I feel, even though I know that’s not true.  If I was strong I could shake this but that’s just it, I’m not strong.  I cry, I weep, I am dead weight.

Like any dead weight I bring those around me into my abyss.  If I do not cut the tether that binds them to me I bring them a sentence of pain and suffering.

As I sink into the abyss my hand reaches out.  The light grows dimmer the further down I fall deep into myself.  Medication will not work on me, I have tried.  It’s a death trap for my mind and soul.  Numb by pills or by pain of my own torment, either way inside I am dead and gone.

Dāsu Rōnin

I am Dāsu Rōnin.  I have no code, no honor.  I am a slave with no master and a master with no slave.  Each life I live I must suffer with the pains of loss for I am forbidden seppuku.  Seppuku is reserved for samurai, warriors with honor, of which I have none. 

My soul is dark, my heart is cold, the evil inside is pure.   I do not run from a fight but I will destroy those who oppose me.  For this reason I must hide my true self.

I say this as a warning to all that I meet.  I am to wonder an eternity in this way for I am Dāsu Rōnin.

Last Night's Battle

I am convinced that when people die in their sleep, they are actually kidnapped into another dimension through slumber.  Since the physical body can not go with, that’s how it happens.  How do I know, it almost happened to me tonight.

I am not afraid of Death, I am ready whenever the Reaper is, but I will not go easily nor without a fight.  Because of this Death sends shadow men to take me away.

As I slept I was just there, laying in my bed, no dreams that I could remember.  Even though the room was dark, my surrounds began to darken into blackness, until I could not see a thing.  My body felt like it was floating down, unable to control my decent.

I found myself no longer laying down but standing up, my hands in front of me, feeling for something, anything, to let me know where I was.

My heart felt cold as my stomach sunk low.  Fear was slowly filling the air.  I wanted to call out to anyone who could hear me but as always, my voice was silenced.  I was truly alone deep inside my own personal abyss.

Suddenly a small light appeared directly in front of me.  I could see a shadow motioning me to come toward them.  Fear kept my feet firmly planted.

The fear in the air turned to anger and my body filled with panic.  The light grew wide in an instant and the single shadow figure turned into four, flying through the open light toward me.  I tried to turn and run but I was ambushed by another figure, clothed in black shadows, blocking my escape.  He is who brought me to this place.

I was pushed forward toward the shadow men coming at me.  As I stumbled forward I fell to the floor.  Hands wrapped around my arms as a deep laughter began to fill the air, overshadowing all that was happening.

I struggled to break free but their grip only grew tighter.  I threw a punch, hitting one of the shadow figures.  The laughter grew deeper as I continued to fight.  It was not long before I was being beaten and overpowered.

My heart began to beat faster with each panic breath.  I tried to scream and still, my voice was silenced.  I was fighting for my life as I was being dragged toward the light.  Suddenly and without warning I woke up, my heart beating out of my chest.  I was tormented for fun, by being from another dimension, or as you might call them, I had night terrors.

 

- Max M. Power